Sunday, May 30, 2010

Success? Bah!

This evening, after a fairly successful day, Willow wet her pants on a pile of clean laundry.

...I Meditate Out Loud to the World...

I’ve always been a little enchanted and mystified by the idea of meditation. It sounds great in theory, and we are counseled to spend time in meditation every day by our church leaders, but I’ve never really been able to wrap my head around how it actually works. It is supposed to be a cleansing thing, a focusing thing, opening up a direct line between you and God, a time to be still and quiet and listen. But here’s my problem: I don’t know how to not think about anything. Or rather, I don’t know how to think of nothing without falling asleep. That is the real kicker.

I have made some great progress in this department while doing Yoga more recently, but that is only in getting to a completely blank mind without being asleep. Once I get there nothing much happens. I just lay for a while, completely blank, and then come out of it and have to get up and go about my day. It’s cool, and nice psychologically to have a mental break, but I don’t think it has been doing much for me spiritually.

But I have discovered that I make great strides in understanding both introspective and spiritual while I am writing. (See, for example, the previous post.) This should not be surprising to me. I already know that I am very verbal, but it is surprising how much I realize I don’t know about what I think or feel or understand until I try to put it in to words. Verbalizing my thoughts leads me to greater insight into just what I think. And where the gaps in my knowledge and understanding are, which enables me to pray and ponder to try to fill those gaps. I think, perhaps, that is my most powerful meditation. It is why it is so important for me to keep a journal and so good for me to have a blog. My best learning and growth happens through language. I know it’s not this way for everyone, but it surely is for me.

I think my children are shaping up to take after me, too. Today during Sacrament Meeting, Rhys could not keep his mouth shut for two breaths together. We spent most of it in the foyer, not because he was fussy or screaming, just constantly babbling. And, as she has for about the past year, when she is very upset, Willow sobs in full sentences. “I’m so sad. I am really upset about this. I am crying because my mom won’t do it. My mom doesn’t let me do what I want,” and on and on, very specific to what she is unhappy about at the time. It is hilarious to listen to. And I just hear me in her. I love my kids, and I love the Lord and the way he personalizes life instruction to me.

I'm Feeling Pink

Most of my life, I have avoided pink. I'm not sure exactly why, except that when I was old enough to finally get a sense of style I looked at myself and said "green and earth tones are my colors" so that is what I wore. All the time. I would not wear blue because my eyes are green, except that they look blue from a distance, especially if I am wearing blue. But green shirts made my eyes pop green, and I very jealously and pridefully guarded greenness of my eyes. Purple just seemed like an all around not-my-color and pink made absolutely no sense with how red my skin is. I'm supposed to downplay that, right? Perhaps that had something to do with the fact that "pink" in the 80's and early 90's meant HOT pink. And that stuff is just dangerous. In any case, I had a very, very firm opinion: Red Head Don't Wear Pink. I never understood the movie Pretty in Pink, because as much as I wanted to be Molly Ringwald, it was a great big lie. Red Heads Don't Wear Pink.

I think I also had something against the abject femininity of pink. I am not a froo-froo girly girl. I think that was an opinion of more resignation than choice. I think in some secret corner of my soul I thought I wasn't girly enough (read good enough of a girl) for pink. I don't think I ever realized that before. Well here you go world: raw and true confessions from the deepest darkness of my secret soul, coming to you live and direct upon discovery, unfiltered, honest, and probably TMI. But that's what blogging is all about, right? I outwardly embraced my earthy feminitity, but inwardly yearned to be the kind of girl who was made for pink.

Well, enough of my youthful insecureties. My first year of college I had some roommates who took delight in dressing me up in their clothes, which were not like my clothes. And I discovered I actually liked some things I hadn't ever worn before--like button up and fitted shirts, and slacks, and blue. It was a huge breakthrough. It is really good that I made this breakthrough so early on, too, because my husband's most favorite color is a blue shade. And it was nice to have the struggle to embrace blue over with before it may have hindered our relationship.

When I had my first baby, a girl, I really wanted neutral colors. Partly so that I could use all the things I got for her for all of my kids, even the boys. But just you try to have a girl and avoid pink. Not gunna happen. Partly because I tried to spend as little as possible of my own money, which means I was at the mercy of what I was given. Which was Pink. And Pink. And more Pink. I accepted this with good grace. A gift horse in the mouth and all that. And then I found, as I put these pink outfits on my perfect pink little girl and she was so adorable I wanted to cry (though that may have had a lot to do with the post-partum hormones), I started craving to wear pink myself. Perhaps this was born of my obsessive desire for matching clothes. I wanted to match my daughter, so I wanted to wear pink. I actually had one pink shirt that I had aquired as a hand-me-down (or hand-me-over--it was more lateral than down). So I would try really hard to make a matching outfit with my pink shirt and Willow's pink clothes. And the more I I tried, the more I wanted pink.

I discovered it was more about the hue of pink than the fact of pink. Soft pinks and mauvy pinks actually worked quite well with my complexion. It was exciting. So exciting that last year I made our Easter dresses in pink (hence the sidebar photos). I like pink.

And so when I logged on to my blog this morning and looked at the wierd, yucky orange color scheme, I knew it had to go. I'd done green and (horror of horrors) gotten tired of it. I wasn't feeling blue, and I still haven't embraced purple (maybe someday--that is the new horizon). The real problem was that the options for color that go with this blog template are very limited, and not necessarily the standard color set (which is why the only orange I could find was yucky. I do like orange in general). But I looked again and decided--It is time for pink.

Here I am, world. I am feminine. I am girl. I am delicate and womanly.

I am Pink.

Some Modecum of Success

Does anyone actually know how to spell modecum? Off the top of your head. Without looking it up--even online--or using a spellchecker? Let me know. Yes, this is a test.

But it is also not the point of this post.

Willow was dry all day long! And at least twice she brought up going to the bathroom herself. Including a BM. She did have a little bit of an accident in the bathtub before we filled it with water, but I don't even count that. I had a talk with her yesterday, because I know that she is able to control herself more than she has been. Also yesterday (when we had at least 2 accidents) I instituted a new rule: If she wets or messes her pants, after I help her clean up, she has to put her new panties and pants on all by herself. And if she whines or fusses or complains that she doesn't know how or it's too hard, then she has to sit in the bathroom all by herself until she does it. She hates this. And as soon as I start to leave and shut the door she suddenly becomes extremely cooperative. I don't know if this has played any role in her success today, but I feel a lot better about not being at the mercy of her cooperation all day long. Perhaps we will get somewhere.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Me: Willow, are you wet?
Willow: Nope.
(I check, she isn't.)
Me: Yay! Let's go downstairs to the potty.
Willow: NOOO! (running toward the up stairs)
Me: Do you want to go to the upstairs potty?
Willow: Yeah!
Me: OK, let's go!
(I grab Rhysie on the way-- he needs a change. I follow Willow into the bathroom, put Rhys on the floor and open the cupboard to get him a diaper.)
Me: OK, climb on the potty while I change Rhysie.
Willow: I'm pee-pee.
Me: What? Just now?
Willow: Yeah.
(I check again. Wet legs, dribbles on the floor. Yes, yes she is.)
Sigh. Such is my life.

When I Miss Kevin

So here is the official announcement to the blogosphere: Kevin has gone to work. He got a call Sunday morning and was gone less than 24 hours later. He flew to Louisiana where he met the rest of the crew for this job and they stayed there for a day to do some repair/maintenance work in the shop, then drove to Galviston, TX to prepare the equipment on the boat before sailing out. I assume they are still in Galviston because Kevin said he would call me before they hoist anchor and he didn't call me at all today. I did, however, recieve calls from 3 different people trying to reach Kevin to answer his questions about how to install or other wise deal with their equipment. I think somewhere along the line with work our home number, which is now my number got put down as Kevin's cell phone number. So I gave them all his right number and they didn't call me any more. So I assume he has been tied up working on that equipment all day.

The job he is on has nothing to do with the oil leaking problems going on in the gulf right now. I don't even know if the areas he will be in have been affected in any way. They will be using their ROV's to inspect pipeline on the ocean floor about 3000 feet down--more than half a mile. I can't even fathom that. (ha, ha, a pun! But also very true.) The boat they will be on is the largest one Kevin has said he has been on yet--about 250 ft. long. They will be launching the ROV through a moon pool, probably like the one on this page, so they won't have to deal with getting it up and down over the side. That should cut out a lot of work for them.

So, the reason I'm writing this post--I watched a romantic movie today. I do not at all recommend doing this while your spouse is out of town. And yet I persist. I think I'm a glutton for punnishment. And now I will go to my very, very empty bed and not kiss my husband while I am freshly filled up with warm happy lovey-dovey feelings from that stupid Doris Day film. Good night.

Monday, May 17, 2010

Not Quite as Lazy as Last Night

I actually got up, went up stairs to get the camera, took a picture, uploaded it, cropped it (so you don't get quite as much of my messy house), and put it on this blog. Good for Me.

I was inspired to do it when I heard Willow unfurl the tape measure next to Sam and then proclaim, "You are 8 pounds tall!" A tape measure is such a good toy.So is a spray bottle.

Sunday, May 16, 2010


Ever since I first chose a template for my blog, I have been driven crazy by the fact that everything is squished to the middle with wide open blank nothing on the sides. Finally, after seeing someone else's blogger blog today that went all the way to the edges of the screen I determined to make a change.
After finally fidning and selecting a template that looked like it would be the different that I wanted, I viewed it in it's new format. My brain imediately stretched its cramped cerebral legs, wiggled the toes of its pia mater and heaved an enormous sigh of relief. I hope yours does, too, and that it will entice you to come back more often and leave more comments, and maybe even re-read my old posts and leave new comments. I know that's what I would do if I was reading my blog.

Why I Am The Winner

This week:
Put 2 kids to bed while wife is at a meeting on Tuesday night+Put 2 kids to bed while wife is at a meeting on wednesday night+Put 2 kids to bed while wife is at a meeting on Thursday night+Get 4 kids (nephews while sister and BIL are away for the weekend) ready and to church on time while wife is at meetings before church+Put 4 kids to bed while wife is at a meeting on Sunday night-(complaints+disgrundlements+grievences)+lots of dishes done+net effect being increased admiration for wife+tender expression of said admiration=BEST HUSBAND EVER!!!

That is me being very happy. You can tell that this is a picture of me because of the lack of color in the face. I wanted to include a picture or something, but I was too lazy to get up and take one. So I just drew one instead. The crown means "I have," not "I am." I'm the winner like winning the lottery, not winning a race. I didn't do anything to win. I just have something really great that I won. Gee, I like Kevin.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Cherish Motherhood

Last year while on vacation, I attended church at the local ward and one of the speakers in Sacrament Meeting shared something so sad, I don't think I will ever forget it. She was, I think, in the stake Young Women's presidency, visiting with the Young Women from one of the wards one Sunday. One of the other members of the Stake YW Presidency asked the girls to raise their hand if they wanted to be a mother some day. Not a single girl raised her hand. Sure that she had been misunderstood or was misunderstanding she reiterated the question and received the same response. Finally she asked the girls about it and was blown away by what they told her, "Why would we want to do the same thing that makes our mothers so unhappy?"

These girls had only ever heard their mothers complain about the stress and responsibilities of their position. They had seen no evidence in real life of Motherhood being joyful or fulfilling in any way. Under those circumstances, I really don't blame them for having no desire to do it themselves. Those poor, poor girls.

So my Mothers Day message to all the women in my life is this: Cherish your motherhood. Cherish the nature of your Mother Heart. Vocally and often, tell others, especially your daughters, how much you love the privilege God has given you to nurture His children. Take a moment every day to reflect on every good thing about being a mother and reset your mindset so the tasks of your life aren't only drudgery.

I love my children, and I love the fact of my Motherhood. Nothing in the world can compare with the joy that fills my life as I watch my children grow. As I hear my little son's first "Mama"s consistently applied to me. As I hear my daughter's "I want to go to!" applied whenever, wherever, to whatever I am doing. My heart melts with happiness with every new thing they learn and every act of kindness they do. I love Motherhood. I can't even express how much. There is a yearning in the heart of every daughter of God that only being a mother can fill because it is the heritage of our divine parents--we are created for parenthood.

Don't let anyone degrade your position. You are never "just" a mom. You are a MOM. To my own mothers--all of them, to my sisters of every sort, my friends and the examples of motherhood in my life, thank you. I am so grateful that I have never had a lack of evidence that motherhood brings joy. I love you. And your Father in Heaven rejoices for the sacrifices you make and the work you are willing to preform. It is hard work, and it does take sacrifice. In fact, righteous motherhood takes the sacrifice of your whole self. But in losing yourself to this calling from God, you will allow Him to take your self and make of it something better, greater, more joyous than you could possibly do on your own. This is my testimony of motherhood. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.